Monday, September 17, 2012

day 17: stirring the coals

Today is day 17 of my 30 day X-ray. And today is my final day in what I call the kingdom of Radhadesh - at the castle, nestled within the rolling hills and forests of Belgium. So right now I am gazing upon the landscape of my time here.

For the past several months I have experienced a deep kind of stuckness in my life. Like, the fire had gone out deep inside. I had all the right answers to all the questions you could ever ask - what do you want to do in life? what's your purpose? why are you a devotee? etc. - and yet I felt no fire, no zeal, not really. 

But travel has stirred up my spirits, like someone has been stirring the coals inside my heart. Being here in Radhadesh has gently stirred the coals. Many days I experienced pieces of pain rise to the surface, pieces of stuckness, and I felt grateful to let them be and let them go. 

Now that it's the evening of my departure, I feel such a deep warmth in my chest. It's a physical experience. I feel as though my heart has warmed through long walks through the woods, beautiful interactions with friends and devotees, really, really good food, and living within the loving glance of the deities here, Radha Gopinath. 

I feel that everyone has been so patient with me, and thus I have been patient with myself. I have lost track of time. I honestly couldn't tell you right now how many days I've been here. Each day has been a jewel that has lead to the next.   

Little flames are just now starting to flicker to life. I feel sad to be leaving, I truly do. I will miss this place, this sanctuary where I have connected with my own self again through patience and acceptance. 

Tomorrow I fly to Mumbai, India, and I honestly have NO idea what to expect or what's in store. I have NO plan, none, other than to learn how to love. That was my gameplan when I came to Radhadesh, and just look at the magic that unfolded. 

And maybe, just maybe, with some more gentle stirring as I continue in my adventures, the flames will stoke up to a blazing fire in my heart. 

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