Monday, January 21, 2013

Embracing My Nature

I have always considered my nature to be that of a brahmana - one who feels the most alive and content to study and teach.

Today, though, I have been embracing the fact that my nature is also that of a ksatriya - an administrator, leader, even a bit of a warrior.

I saw a picture tonight of me dancing in kirtan and tears poured down my face. I looked so intense, so passionate, like I was about to fight someone.

Accepting the fact that I have a ksatriya nature is so much harder than I thought it would be. As a woman, am I still lovable even when I bust out a sword?

Looking at that picture, I felt repulsed and liberated at the same time to accept the reality of my nature to be intense, outspoken, different, even a bit of a fighter. This is who I have been all along, all of my life. I feel like today I'm finally accepting that maybe it's okay to be this way, that there's a place in society for me. My journey is learning how to dovetail my nature in service to God.

In one sense, it's not that big of a deal. I'm a brahmana-ksatriya by occupation. Teacher-warrior, no sweat.

Because ultimately, strip away all of those designations and I'm just a soul crying for Krishna.

"I am not a brahmana, I am not a ksatriya, I am not a vaisya or a sudra. Nor am I a brahmachari, a householder, a vanaprastha or a sannyasi. I identify myself only as the servant of the servant of the servant of the lotus feet of Lord Sri Krsna, the maintainer of the gopis. He is like an ocean of nectar, and He is the cause of universal transcendental bliss. He is always existing with brilliance."
- Chaitanya Charitamrita, Madhya Lila, 13.80

To write is to dare the soul. So write.