Sunday, March 15, 2015


One morning when I was 21, I was in Mumbai, India, listening to Radhanath Swami give a spiritual discourse to several hundred people all packed tightly into a temple. At the end of the discourse, he asked if there were any questions. Being me, I shot my hand up, and when Radhanath Swami called upon me, I stumbled through a rather complicated question.

Radhanath Swami then asked, "Do you all know Bhakti devi?" Several hundred pairs of eyes swiveled to look at me. Heads shook. He proceeded to glorify me in a rather sweet and embarrassing way, and one thing he said kind of shot to my heart. He pronounced that I was the most enthusiastic second generation devotee he had ever known. 

Finally he said, "Could you repeat the question? I was too busy glorifying you." 

This morning I was reflecting on how my enthusiasm has waned. Over the past seven years or so I feel that I have put my heart out, put my heart out, put my heart out. I've allowed myself to get excited, to make plans, to venture forth, venture forth! Time and again, because I've opened up my heart so wide, I have experienced pain that has gone straight into the heart. 

Today at 28, I find myself sore and somewhat jaded. I find myself disconnected from that enthusiasm for spiritual life and for life, especially in relationships. I am blessed and grateful for a significant other in my life, Ghanashyam, who is a deep, compassionate, loving man who keeps me connected to Krishna. At the same time, I am realizing how the hurt I have felt in so many relationships in life has lead to a point of deadness and sadness. An apathy. A continual asking of, "What's the point?"

Maybe that's the next question to ask Radhanath Swami. 


Anonymous said...

How refreshing it is to read about somebody struggling :)

My experience so far is that when one encounters problems, it means that we have to go deeper. Unfortunately, what deeper means is difficult to say without really knowing the issue. Though, going deeper requires a lot of thinking on how to approach the issue(s) and how to keep on working.

What I have learned is to love the process. It's easy to love it when everything is good. When things get hard, that's when you learn that the process itself is the goal.

Melissa Cruz said...

Your words epitomize my general attitude at the moment. Sometimes I wake up and realise that I'm more cynical and jaded now than I was fifteen years ago. I thought I was supposed to become patient, tolerant, compassionate, empathetic and enthusiastic. I feel crushed inside as if someone snuffed out the flame inside my heart.
I'm sorry you have to feel this way; I have no real advise because I'm in the process of accepting and resolving it myself.

k.mala gutierrez said...

I so fully understand. I've been there, done that - as the saying goes. I wish I had some great words of wisdom... but I don't. try not to lose your faith. find solace in guru and krishna, and most definitely in your partner! I know that is easy to say and harder to do. but ultimately, that's all there is. stay strong - and keep writing. keep writing, keep writing. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing. Prayers, sentiments and personal realisations are the openings of the heart and as such are rear pearls of the great depth. We, as people, do seem to only adopt a humble attitude to life and produce a sincere cry out when we are in a difficulty. Some of the great saints of all traditions have been known to had led a life that was marked by great challenges and it is so not without a reason. Scriptures of those traditions echoes the simple truth, that is bluntly put in The Corpus Hermeticum, "Unless thou first shall hate thy Body, son, thou canst not love thy Self." Thus we, as the seekers of the Self are treading the path on which we will be tried by fire again and again. Devotee comes to this fire voluntarily by surrendering to the Self realised teacher and in the light of his instructions following Devotional Service.

To write is to dare the soul. So write.