Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Three devotees left this world last night in a car accident. I knew all three - Tim, Yadupati, and Nitai.

I have had a hard time catching my breath all day. I feel dizzy. I've walked through my day here but not here, like my head is floating above my body. I've paced the house, my mind scattered into shards of glass thoughts. I have felt and heard my heart pumping all day. I want to be around people and I want to be alone. Prayers don't come to mind. Only memories and images.

This evening I left for the kirtan memorial at the temple, unable to bear being alone in my grief any more. I entered into the softly lit templeroom, the room resounding from wall to wall with the beat of the mridanga drum and hundreds of voices.

I settled in close. I closed my eyes and felt my tornado of confusion and sadness and anger all twisting and whirling about inside of me. The kirtan kept building. At last, at last, my body responded in a way my mind never could -

I raised my arms.

The only relief from the tornado was to raise my arms. Surrender. I don't know, Krishna, I don't know. I don't even know if You exist, but I surrender anyway.

When the curtains opened for all of us to receive the darshan of Gaura Nitai, Radhe Shyam, and Krishna Balaram, I felt the urge to cover my head and go right up to the altar. I leaned up against the wall in front of Gaura Nitai. I felt so fragile. I realized that my whole body was trembling.

Images of Tim, Yadupati, and Nitai kept flashing through my mind. All loved kirtan. All loved to serve. The three of them were probably off on some service venture when the Lord took them.

I remember Tim in kirtan - he seemed to be a man who lived and breathed off of kirtan, whether the crowd was in the hundreds or just the two of us singing on campus at Krishna Lunch. Yadupati was an older gurukuli who was also addicted to kirtan - I rarely saw him without a drum. I saw him always within the whorl of the holy name.

Nitai was a dear friend whom my family and I have known for many years, and he was also a godbrother, his face so effulgent. I remember him always - always - talking about Radhanath Swami and his next scheme to somehow or other serve his beloved guru. His smile and enthusiasm was contagious.

And now they're gone.


I have just returned from the temple to write this. I do not know where to go from here. I just feel this need to write, to express grief.

Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu asked, "Of all kinds of distress, what is the most painful?" Śrī Rāmānanda Rāya replied, "Apart from separation from the devotee of Kṛṣṇa, I know of no unbearable unhappiness." 
- CC Madhya 8.248





David Garvin said...

Thank you mataji for the tears which cover me as I tremble with loss. In loss, this is the blessing of Krishna, even though we can not understand how that can be.

GopaPatni dd said...

Dear Nightingale this is so beautiful, this will help you get through your grief, keep chanting for Radha Syam. Your dear friends and mine, future is bright,yes we feel the pain of separation...but we must surrender to Krsna's plan, even though so tragic, they are in the loving arms of their dear Lord and continuing their rasa eternally. Nothing is lost or diminished on this path of devotion. My husband would say take that memory and put it in a golden frame and place it in your heart. Be safe,your servant Mother GopaPatni dd =>:)

Priya said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and grief. Understanding the plan of the Lord is so difficult. I keep thinking, it must have been a mistake. But the Lord makes no mistakes. It is so distressing though.

shanti priya said...

everything happens according to d will of God. Not a single blade of grass moves without d permission of d Lord. B brave in dis sad moment n remember God constantly. May God bless their soul.

shri ramesh sadasivam said...

Sorry to hear this. Explanations don't help us to come out of sorrow. Time does.

Even this shall pass away.

To write is to dare the soul. So write.