Saturday, March 3, 2012


About two weeks ago, I felt deeply provoked with anger, this white-hot rage.

I was in the computer lab at school. I opened my journal to write and write and write - I allowed myself to express the most hateful, spiteful words. I did not want to get up and leave the lab and actually I felt grateful to be surrounded by quiet. I felt no need to scream or to sob or run 5 miles. The anger rushed through me in tidal waves and I kept breathing and writing.

I read what I had written in my journal over and over and over. I felt this deep need to share this entry with someone, I needed it to be received by someone who would unequivocally accept my experience. So I transcribed the entry and sent it to my life coach and guide, Malini dasi.

A whole other experience descended upon me to read over the entry with the intention of sharing it. There in the computer lab, I was faced with the anger and hatred and pain in my heart, and that another human being would be witness to this.

Silent tears poured down my face.

In my experience of anger, there's a fall-out. And sure enough, the fall-out hit me as I picked up my things and headed out to my next class. I cried the whole way. I felt devastated. I felt smothered in that familiar experience - that I'm unlovable, I'm a monster, dangerous, unpredictable.

The next morning, the fall-out was still there. By God's grace, I was given the shelter of watching an Islamic song in praise of Allah. I wept and wept as I watched it over and over again, taking shelter in God's grace, His love and forgiveness. I surrendered my pain. I watched the song until the tears ceased to flow.

I felt clean. I feel clean.

From that fateful evening two weeks ago, I have felt so deeply humbled to experience my frailties. I am also realizing that lust, anger, greed, pride, illusion, envy and hate can never be transcended by being shoved away, pushed away, run away from.

I am finding that the only shelter is to embrace my frailties and allow Krishna to carry me.

My dear Lord, please carry me. In this vast ocean of pain, I am drowning and I can't swim. Please carry me. Only within Your arms do I find peace.

"But those who worship Me with devotion, meditating on My transcendental form - to them I carry what they lack and preserve what they have." - Bhagavad Gita, 9.22



Marie Glasheen- Satvatove Institute said...

Thank you Bhakti for sharing and for your vulnerability. I appreciate your courageous introspection and your willingness to experience helplessness and weakness and to surrender them into the Lord.

Bhakti lata said...

I am so grateful that you got to read this, Malini. Thank you for being there for me in this journey of vulnerability and surrender.

Vinod said...

Don't Know What Caused it . But then Think.. How would an Orphan Feel if he/she had no one to share the little things of life? How about the pain to know that relatives disown .Again How about that feeling when he helps people knowing that all those around this person are there just because they need his asistance for a Job or for the money he can dash .. Or to know that the ones he did confide betray ... Guess these are all Karmic situations ??!! So should he b Detached ? Ha Ha .. may be it is designed to impress upon him the difference between a Robot and a Human !!!!!!!!!!

Vinod said...

The Islamic song kindles in me a desire to share the Similarity between the Al Fateha the opening prayer in Koran and the Gayatri Mantra .
“[1] In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful.[2] All praise is for Allah, the ‘Lord’ of the Worlds.[3] The Compassionate, the Merciful.[4] Master of the Day of Judgment.[5] O’Allah! You Alone we worship and You Alone we call on for help.
[6] O’Allah! Guide us to The Right Way.[7] The Way of those whom You have favored; not of those who have earned Your wrath, or of those who have lost The Way”.

The Gayatri Mantra : " We meditate upon the Lord of the three worlds , That which is most Pure and worthy to be worshipped , With your divine light please guide us on the right path ".

To write is to dare the soul. So write.