Monday, September 19, 2011

The Beauty of Fragility

Today I have felt like spun glass that keeps getting cracked. My body feels frail because I'm getting sick, my computer is probably headed to the grave, schoolwork is crashing into my life in an avalanche, and I'm tired and woozy and disoriented.

You know, one of those fragile days.

Krishna Lunch is a program I like to go to on school days - I get to sing kirtan and then be with devotees in the chaotic whirl of school. And of course, the prasadam.

But today I didn't want to go - I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be my spun glass little self and silently get through the day. You know, survive.

But the desire for good food drove me to Krishna Lunch anyway.

Man, does prasadam work wonders. After I ate, it was all quiet so I decided to sing, if just for a little while. The melody that came to me, unbidden, quieted my heart. I closed my eyes and forgot I was on campus, forgot I was getting sick, forgot about my computer, forgot about schoolwork, forgot about everything. All that existed was the gentle sun shining on my face and the holy name.

When I finished singing, I said to Anthony, "You know, this is a special melody,"

"How so?" he replied.

"There is a song that one sings when someone leaves this world, it's a song of separation and grief. I sang this maha-mantra kirtan in the melody of that song."

"Oh really? I didn't know you could sing Hare Krishna when someone died," a girl commented.

"Oh yes, you can sing and chant Hare Krishna at any time, in any place. It is the most beautiful thing one could do. And when I was singing this kirtan just now, I was meditating that we are all destined to die. So how do I utilize this moment and every moment? To not waste away my life? I just want to chant. I just want God."

I write this only a half an hour later in the library, wondering why I've taken time to narrate this simple experience. Maybe because when I am closest to my frustration with the world is when I feel closest to my realization that I need God.

I need God.

That is the beauty of fragility.

My Eyes So Soft

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,

My need of God

- Hafiz


Anonymous said...

I still have a strong dislike of the word god - but I love your blog! thank you Bhakti lata.
with all my love, Doris

Anonymous said...

"The comedy of grace is that it must so often come to us as loss and failure because if it came to us as success and gain we wouldn't be grateful. We would, as we are wont to do, take personal credit for what is an unwarranted gift of God." --Kathleen Norris

Bhakti lata said...

I appreciate your honesty, Doris. And as for Anon, I'm a little speechless. Thank you. That quote is so so so true.

To write is to dare the soul. So write.