Fated Words

On the evening of May 30th, 2010, I was in anxiety.

Sure, the grounds of New Raman Reti were alive with celebration - after all these years of anticipation, Sri Krishna and Balaram had just been placed upon the altar only an hour before. Tumultuous kirtans of welcome rocked the templeroom.  

But I was outside, pacing. I still didn't know if I would be joining the other devotees the next morning to receive initiation. After all of these years of contemplation and prayer, the initiation ceremony was only hours away, and I still didn't know if I would be in it. 

Then, I saw Radhanath Swami talking with devotees amidst some picnic tables. This was my last chance. With a deep, deep breath, I approached him.

The whole issue of initiation awkwardly tumbled out into our conversation, and with mild surprise Maharaj asked me, "Are you chanting 16 rounds?"

"Yes, Maharaj," I replied. At last I had said it. Although I'm sure some had had their suspicions, I had not told a soul about how many rounds I had been chanting since last August.

Without a moment's hesitation, Maharaj agreed to give me initiation the following morning.

I was in shock. Instead of grinning and laughing in amazement and gratitude - at last, at last!, I wrung my hands a little. For years now, Maharaj has been a witness to my japa journey, and he intimately knows my issues of faith in the holy name.

"You look a little hesitant," Maharaj said. "Do you want to receive initiation?"

"Oh yes, Maharaj, more than anything in the world." I paused and sighed a heavy sigh. "But... I've only been chanting 16 rounds... for ten months," I thought of all the people who have been chanting 16 rounds for years and years with such faith, waiting and waiting to receive initiation from Radhanath Swami. And yet here he had only inquired if I was chanting at all.

Then, Maharaj said the words that will remain with me my entire life. He looked into my eyes and said,

"I trust you."