Love and Suspicion

"Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the former makes its exit". Alexandre Dumas

In this funny limbo time before I am actually initiated by my guru maharaj, my mind roams free, my faith in guru riddled with holes. So I ponder and meditate and devote a crazy amount of mind space to understanding guru. Truly I want love, not suspicion.

So for the past several months, I have read this book, Welcome Home, by Radhanath Swami oh say, about nine times, to better receive vani, or instruction. I have a canto or two of the Srimad Bhagavatam, Bhagavad-Gita, Krishna Book, and several other intense spiritual books on my bookshelf... but this one stays by my bed, and I never tire of it.

[Sigh.] But sometimes in the throes of my doubt, I wonder: Yeah, I grew up with Radhanath Swami around, but do I even have a relationship with him? It's the difference between reading a textbook and learning from a teacher. There's probably amazing knowledge in the textbook, but it means nothing if I don't soak it in and understand it.

And yet, Radhanath Swami is one of the few people on the planet** that I actually like to listen to speak on spiritual life... even if I'm not there.

And read his book nine times.

And the one instruction he has given me has changed my life: Be an example.

[Grin.] Aye, Bhakti, you think too much. Just chiiiiill.

Slowly, I'm shooing suspicion out the door, and beckoning love to gently sweep in. Well, yeah, sloooooooowly.

**Radhanath Swami, Indradyumna Swami, Shesha Prabhu and Radhika Raman Das Brahmacari